Tuesday, September 21, 2010

In Case of Emergency

Prepare yourselves, there a Jolly good chance the worst will happen on saturday afternoon...
So just in case arm yourselves with these small comedic talismans.
Many thanks to the collectors who have these out on loan, Dickwad and Jimmy Mac.
Many are priceless antiques, all are genuine:

Q. Two Collingwood supporters jump off a cliff. Who wins
A. Society.

Q. What does a Collingwood supporter use as protection during sex?
A. Bus shelter.

Q. What does a Collingwood supporter use as a contraceptive?
A. His personality.

Q. What do you call a 30 year old female Collingwood supporter?
A. Granny.

Q. What do you call a Collingwood supporter in a suit?
A. The defendant.

Q. Why did the Collingwood supporter cross the road?
A. To start a fight with a complete stranger, for no reason what so ever.

Q. What do you call a female Collingwood supporter in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.

Q. If you are driving and you see a Collingwood supporter on a bike, why should you try not to hit him?
A. It might be your bike.

Q. What's the first question during a Collingwood supporter quiz night?
A. What you looking at?

Q. Two Collingwood supporters in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policeman!

Q. Why is three Collingwood supporters going over a cliff in Lexus a shame?
A. Because a Lexus has four seats.

Q. What do you say to a Collingwood supporter with a job?
A. Big Mac please.

You know you're a Collingwood supporter when:

1. A Halloween pumpkin has more teeth than your wife does.
2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. Jack Daniel's makes your list of 'most admired people.'
5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family once died right after saying: 'Hey, watch this.'
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. A ceiling fan once ruined your wife's hairdo.
9. You think the last words of Advance Australia Fair are: 'Carn the Maggies .'
10. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded, right off its wheels.
11. The market value of your car goes up and down, depending on how much petrol is in it.
12. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
13. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
14. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
15. You think 'loaded dishwasher' means your wife is drunk.
16. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
17. Your front verandah collapses and kills more than five dogs.

A man meets a friend and sees that his friend's car is total write-off and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend "What's happened to your car ?"
"Well," the friend responds, "I ran over Nathan Buckley".
"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt ?"
"Well, he tried to escape through the park."

Q. What do Collingwood fans and sperm have in common?
A. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q. What do you have when 100 Collingwood fans are buried up to their necks in sand?
A. Not enough sand.

Q. What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead Collingwood fan on the road?
A. There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q. You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a Collingwood fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What do you do?
A. Shoot the Collingwood fan - twice.

Q. What is the difference between an Collingwood Fan and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.

Q. How do you know if your house has been robbed by a Collingwood supporter?
A. Your bins are empty and your dog's pregnant.

A Collingwood Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall." She says
"I'll take the red one."
The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."


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